A Candle for Stanley

I went to Mass at St. Francis of Assisi near Penn Station to pray for the smooth transition of my friend Brian's father, Stanley.
It was fortunate for Brian that his Dad passed while Brian was here in the states. Brian came in from Brazil to tend to a legal matter and during this precise time, his father died. Stanley was ready to move on especially since his health had declined two years ago and got progressively worse. I hope he is finally with his beloved wife who died many years ago and he missed terribly. 
I was waiting to hear from Brian as to the time and place for his Dad's viewing so I kept my blackberry on not to miss the call. As I walked into the back of the Church, my phone went off. I tried to reach it quickly but it was somewhere buried in my large handbag. Fitting as it was, I don't think the congregation appreciated the playing of my ring tone, Bob Dylan's, "knock,knock,knock on heaven's door." I made a quick turn and ran out of the church. I finally found the damn thing and answered it. There was Brian on the other end with the news of when his father's viewing would be and that it would be a bit later than expected because his father's Church was having a peach festival; no time for funerals.
I could hear that Brian still had his sense of humor as he laughed about the church's reverence for peaches. I took the liberty of telling him that his call resounded throughout the church with the Bob Dylan ring tone that he knows very well. He chuckled again. Good, another chance for a break in what I feel is exaggerated piety when I speak with someone who has just lost a loved one.
That's when Brian asked me to light a candle for his Dad. I knew he was going to ask me that. As I walking to Church I thought, "I bet Brian calls me any minute now and when I tell him I am going to Mass, he will ask me to light a candle." I thought of that already, but I didn't have a God damn dollar. I am on this new budget now and I try not to have cash on me. I use my debit card only and it keeps me from buying extra things I see on the street. I told Brian that I had thought of lighting a candle but I didn't have a dollar. That's when Brian burst out laughing and then that was it. The floodgates opened and I went on about the sorry state of affairs these days and that we all need more money and now I will owe God a dollar. I never thought there was a way to actually owe God money. I was certainly good for lighting a candle since I would be back the following week and I could pay God back then. I went on to say that I could light a candle and not owe anything at all since I gave five dollars a couple of weeks ago in the offering basket. Who was I trying to fool? I couldn't negotiate with God, the offering was the offering, and the candle was the candle.
With that I ended the conversation and went into Mass with a smile on my face. During Mass I prayed for many things. First for Stanley, then for the other eight people who died this year so far. What a record year of lay-offs, endings, and deaths.  I ran out of sympathy cards I bought at Duane Reade twice already. I also prayed for more money so I could light more candles.
When I finally got around to lighting the candle for Stanley, I remembered my father and how Brian was with me at his funeral years ago. After the service, we were driving back to a friend's house and we passed a school that was having a carnival. I immediately thought of my father who ran the school carnivals. I thought it would be fitting to go to the carnival and have fun that day. Brian, Michael, and our friend Adele ate candy and went on the rides in honor of Mike, my Dad, the man with carny in his soul!

Next week when I will return to Mass I will slip a buck in the slot to pay my debt and I will bring another one to light a candle for all the rest who departed in 2009.

Michael Stiller's mother
Marino Zulich's mother
Cindy Allen's father
Xiang Xu's father
Linda Zatta's step father
Helene Oberman's father
Brian Rook's father
Rita, our young neighbor
Tony's young son

9 is the number of completion, maybe that's it for this year but there are still 3 months to go.

Paul McCartney Premonition

Did you ever notice how working in the city on Fridays in August is eerie? Doesn't it seem like one of those Armageddon films where you and some other random folks are left behind?  You see remnants of activity that used to be and traces that much has happened here but somehow it all stopped. I shut down my computer, walked around the aisles and felt a sorrow that the past was trying to hold on but the world had shifted already. It was lonelier than other August Fridays in years past since more people were permanently gone from here and so many others gone from other floors and gone from other buildings in New York. Outside the streets were equally as empty. It was 6 o'clock and I had an hour to get to Penn Station, way more than enough time to get there. I kinda sauntered across the block between Park & Madison while I imagined a big hand coming down from the sky to scoop me out of this cardboard model of a city and place me somewhere else. I needed to focus so I decided to read an ad that I must have passed many times. It was about John Lennon, The New York City Years, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex in Soho...exclusively created by Yoko Ono. It was a limited engagement that started in May. I wondered if it was still going on. It was so hot and humid standing there taking in the poster. I felt like I was in the center of gravity and I couldn't stop looking at those letters YOKO ONO. God, I thought life is changing here like another force is around, just like the one that breaks things up and can't be stopped...just like the force that broke up the Beatles back then. At that point I breathed in deeply and slowly. Finally someone was passing by me, another random survivor on planet earth. Unlike "the end of days" movie where the last survivors don't recognize each other, I at least recognized the stranger left behind as the other Beatle, Paul.
Here we go again, I thought, one of my nocturnal premonitions is playing out and I probably won't know why. I walked behind him a bit until he sat on a bench. I stood by a traffic light across from Tabla and contemplated. Years ago I dreamed that I was in a conversation with Paul McCartney outside a park. I warned him that he would marry a woman who he could not trust and his family would not like for him and she would have a baby. Once the baby was born he would start to see the danger. He asked me what career coaching was and I was trying to answer. That was it. Now here he is at Madison Square Park and I have him all to myself but I just couldn't get myself to approach him. Instead I called Michael and played a guessing game with him as to what famous person was sitting on a bench near me. Once Michael guessed that it was his favorite musician ever he convinced me to take a picture. I forgot that my blackberry has this feature. This was a hard one for me. I loathe disturbing celebrities, but a legend as well, this was going to be a real stretch of my personality. Maybe that was the significance of the dream, that this is a time when I need to be more assertive in all things and it begins here. I pretended I was talking on my phone when I snapped the image. There, I did it and I survived, and Michael will be happy, that's nice. It was time to move on.
As I entered the park, I saw a little girl who was reaching out to pet a bull dog who was there with his owner. The blond girl was standing next to who I presumed was her mother and I heard a growl and I saw the dog lunge at the child. The owner pulled back on the leash and the child was spared. I thought it odd that the mother did not react much to the threat of her daughter getting attacked. Then I watched the woman and child walk over to Paul McCartney where the little girl was delivered to her "weekend Dad." Father and daughter showered each other with kisses.
The rest of the way to the station I thought about the peculiarity of premonitions. They are like variety packs that have many items in them. We can open them, chew them, digest them, and release them into a story. How significant are they?
I reserved my deeper thoughts for the train ride. The pattern of the motion of a train moving at the same speed for long stretches of time induces the alpha state, perfect to ponder a premonition that has collapsed onto reality.
Once we pulled out of the station I let myself relax and reflect. I dreamed of something that did happen to Paul McCartney. Why? I have no real connection to him.
The dream could have been a foreshadowing of this day, but why? In Larry Dossey's book "The Power of Premonitions" he considers that premonitions are mostly about chaos. People who have premonitions usually see disasters, deaths, illnesses, or danger in general.
He also questions what can one do about a premonition to change the outcome. Could you imagine if years ago I tried to get in touch with Paul McCartney and warn him about his future? It didn't matter anyway, his kids warned him and he still followed the path that brought him to Madison Square Park on a summer Friday in August.
Could it be about the force? I was reading the poster about Yoko at the time he walked by me and I was focused on the force that creates chaos. Could the dream be a warning that when this seemingly innocuous event occurred , something chaotic was stirring in the air. The only way I would recognize it was by seeing the celebrity I dreamed of years ago. Maybe it had no meaning and it was just one of those time experiences. But I did dream of the coming personal upheaval for the Beatle back then. Could he be on a verge of a another transition?
Could it be that something was going to happen to the child since the dog lunged at her? Again, what maniac would I be to think of saying "your daughter is unsafe."
Then there was the detail of the dream where he was asking me about career counseling. That could be a sign to reconsider this practice and come to terms with a way of changing it. Another indicator of timing.
It could also be a basic life lesson in seeing that my life has problems because it is supposed to. The dream could have indicated a time when I would be in transition and that I needed to see that we all are here to make mistakes including legends who seem to have everything.
Premonitions indeed are like a variety pack of possibilities. Some premonitions are about big events, some about small stuff. Some are about people you know, or people you don't know but think you do, like celebrities. What all premonitions do have in common is the revelation that everything is connected, it is only shrouded in symbolism and the illusion that we are separate.